7-5-08 " Emotionless"

E-mo-tion-less: Devoid of emotion, impassive. Not subject to emotion. Revealing no emotion; expressionless.

Maybe I really am "emotionless"... Never have i been the one to be seen as showing no emotion to anything. I've tried many times to hide my emotions but it never works. I can't hide when I'm hurt and I am horrible at holding back tears. Maybe these past few weeks I've just seemed to have my final fill of what life can throw at me. I kind of feel like so much is going on and I have so many things to choose from to get upset about that maybe I just don't know which to show emotion to. Maybe I am just numb. I don't have the words to say, the encouragement to give, or the energy to cry. I guess I am finding myself overwhelmed. So many things to think about, maybe I am just afraid to pin point and deal with each thing. My life has always been filled with emotion. At night sometimes I reflect back on how things "used to be" or things that I have had to deal with that other people never have to. Those are the times when I no longer have to put on the front that everything in my life is great....or that it's easy... or even that I'm perfect... because the answers to those questions are NO. Those are the times when I am overcome by emotion and overwhelmed by what all life seems to throw at me. I am thinking of all the things that I have to choose from that I could show emotion to but overwhelmed by the choice of which one to choose. It's as though thoughts are racing Thru my mind but they are going so fast I can't think about them. I'm sure this feeling of no emotion will be short lived.
Maybe I am emotionless because I don't want to get hurt again, maybe I don't want to hurt you. If I show little emotion towards you then it's easier to not grow so attatched and in the end the less I will get hurt. Maybe I show no emotion right now because I don't want to let people in. I don't want to come across as weak or as if something is going on.
These past couple of weeks have been different... maybe I have been acting out of the norm, but I have been unaware and do not know the reasons as to why. At least not to everything.
I somewhat have a familiar feeling like I have once had before, where it is as if everything in life continues to go on.... and I am standing still. That everything happens for everyone else...and then there is me. Like I'm in the middle of a tornado and I look around and see everything flying around me... everything that has ever gone wrong in my lfie, all my regrets, everything just crashing down around me.. and as I am in the middle of this tornado flying around me... everything else around it is fine, the tornado touches no one or anything but my life. No one's life is scratched or touched, nothing turned upside down but mine. I know my life is by far not the only one that has to deal with things and I also know that things could be much worse. It just feels at times that it's always just me. I just dont' have the energy to right now..... so for now I am thankful to be "emotionless".